As a San Diego sports fan, I don't particularly care for the New England Patriots or the New York Giants (to put it diplomatically). For two straight years, the Patriots have ended the Chargers' season; last year it was the most gut-wrenching loss I have ever witnessed (at least until October of this year). This year it was just a garden variety, your quarterback has no ACL, your star running back can't play, your best receiving threat can barely jog, close loss. Tom Brady is one of the most overrated players in the game today. He is not the best quarterback in the league; Peyton Manning is. When Brady puts up Manning-esque numbers for more than one year, then we can have a discussion. Brady gets a ton of credit for winning Super Bowls because he had a better defense than Manning did. Apparently a handful of good drives, leveraged in the proper place, outweigh the hundreds or thousands of drive that give a much better measure of talent. The Patriots also have an annoying habit of claiming to be the underdog and like most champions have been crowned as morally superior (you know, they're the only team to really buy into the concept of team, it's not about any one player, etc., etc.).
The Giants' starting quarterback is one Eli Manning, who refused to play for the Chargers when they drafted him first overall in 2004. Fortunately, everything worked out beautifully for the Chargers, but I will still root against the guy who was too good to come play for my favorite team. Plus, Tom Coughlin gets a few celebratory articles for being a disciplinarian, yet the Giants have perpetually been among the most penalized teams in the league. Plus, they're not very good this year. It sends a bad message when not very good teams win championships. Tangent: that's one of the good features of the BCS: the tenth best team in the game will never win the championship. Ok, well maybe it will because of the difficulty in comparing results against such disparate schedules, but the point is, if the BCS were applied to football, the fifth best team in the weaker conference would never have a shot at winning the title.
So I don't particularly care for either team. This was probably the Super Bowl matchup I would have liked the least out of all possible matchups at the start of the playoffs. Yet here are two scenarios that would make me happy, the first in a Giant victory, the second in a Patriot victory.
Pleasant Giant Victory Scenario
Eli Manning, world's greatest mouth breather, develops frostbite in his teeth while in New York because he refuses to just breath through his nose. He'll be completely fine, but he is in no condition to compete in the Super Bowl. Anthony Wright misses Plaxico Burress by 20 yards to the left in warmups, hitting Vince Wilfork who's warming up on the Patriot sideline. Wilfork comes over and pokes Wright in the eye through his facemask. Tom Coughlin is worried that Wright will be intimidated, and also realizes that Wright sucks, so he puts in 6'4'', 285 lb. Jared Lorenzen to start the game. The Pillsbury Throwboy compiles 300 yards passing in a high scoring shootout. Tom Brady is terrible, but Brandon Jacobs keeps fumbling the ball and Junior Seau keeps returning the fumbles for touchdowns. With 4 seconds left and down by 4, the Giants have the ball on the Patriots 40 yard line. Lorenzen drops back for the Hail Mary pass, but the pocket collapses immediately, and he's forced to run for his life. He gets 10 yards before bulldozing Rodney Harrison. Wilfork and Seymour converge on him, but he pinballs off both of them, and they collide with each other. Lorenzen stumbles on. He reaches the 5, where Vrabel and Bruschi both dive at him. Lorenzen takes an epic leap, diving for the end zone. He lands at the 4. But then he starts rolling and doesn't stop until the ball has crossed the plane of the end zone, right before he's touched down by Vrabel. Touchdown, Giants! Giants win! Jared Lorenzen is the hero.
Pleasant Patriot Victory Scenario
As Tom Brady warms up for the Super Bowl, he gets a desperate call from Gisele saying that she is breaking up with him to be with Peyton Manning. Brady immediately sprints out of the stadium, chartering a private jet to fly him to Gisele to see if he can persuade her to change her mind. He gets to her, but discovers it was all just a plot by Peyton to help his brother win the Super Bowl. While Brady is gone, Matt Cassel admirably steps in and leads the Patriots to a 55-0 victory. Cassel is named Super Bowl MVP and is lauded across the land for his cool, clutch play. He is named People's Sexiest Man Alive and does photo shoots with a goat. Girls everywhere swoon over him. When Brady is relegated to second string, Gisele dumps him and goes after Peyton Manning.
And in either scenario, everyone lives happily ever after.
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2 comments:
Sheer brilliance, you supply a radiance that can only be matched by the stars themselves. Weathers is a literary magician. A veritable cacophony of humor.
While I agree Tom Brady is overrated, and am completely shocked that he took a picture with a goat, I am still rather envious of his position. He is dating a supermodel and his team is clearly the frontrunner to win it's 4th super bowl in 7 years, and unless he does something stupid like wearing yankee hats perpetually, he will never be criticized by anyone for doing anything. Especially since the Boston fans/media have basically taken over the entire sports world. Curse you Tom Brady, curse you.
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