Mailbag

Well! Ladies and gentlemen, it has been far too long between posts here at Hot Ham Water. I personally apologize for this as I (and I believe my co-bloggers too) have been wrapped up in the madness that is fantasy baseball drafting season. While the season is not nearly over, today has provided somewhat of a lull in the action, an eye of the storm, if you will. Today, I would like to lovingly take a page from the Bill Simmons playbook and create my own mail bag from which to respond. As always, these are completely fake e-mails sent by non-existant readers...

Q: Ian, you know I'm completely and madly in love with you, why won't you run away with me?

--Becky Smith, Pittsburgh, PA

A: Because you live in Pittsburgh. Move to California. 

oops, sorry wrong mailbag...MOVING ON...

Q: Can Randy Moss have the same impact for the New England Patriots this upcoming year as he did last year?

--Alvin Chipmunk, Rancho Cucamonga, CA

A: Well Alvin, I don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Moss came into New England with no expectations other than possibly negative ones, which took off most of the pressure he had on him in Oakland. While he had previously handled himself like an upset 12 year old girl, the lack of pressure and possibly the calming influence of Bill Belichick allowed him to ease into the season without an undue amount of stress. Whether this is a permanent maturation, we won't know until the season starts, but my gut tells me with the now high expectations, Moss will start to revert back to his old ways. Another possible reason for the record breaking season he had last year was the fact he was playing for a contract. In fact, today Moss signed a 3 year $27 million dollar contract. With that out of the way, one would think he would possibly decline somewhat. Kind of like an Adrian Beltre decline from possibly an artificially high, high, to say a very solid level of production. Maybe something like 12 touchdowns and 1,200 yards, which would still put him among the best wide receivers, just not the end all be all at the position like he was last year. 

Q: Will Asante Samuel push the Eagles into contention in the NFC?

--Becky Smith, Pittsburgh, PA

A: Wow Becky you sure are sending in a lot of questions. Well I hope so because an Eagles-Chargers Super Bowl matchup would be fantastic for my betting career. 

Q: Will Chris Carpenter make a full and complete recovery from Tommy John surgery and be the dominant ace he once was? 

--Ron Burgundy, San Diego, CA

A: Yes Ron, yes he will. Without a doubt. Carpenter is barely older than Derek Jeter and although he has a history of injuries, he clearly will regain the form that made him a Cy Young winner. And when he does I will return to this post and point out to all of you just how right I was. 

Q: Did you know the Dodgers experimented with vest uniforms in 1999?

--Steve Carrell, Holmby Hills, California

A: I did know that Steve, but thanks for bringing it up. While I am as big a fan of the vest uniform as the next guy, and arguably more so, that was a terrible mistake. When you have a classically identifiable, traditional uniform, the best thing to do is NOT play around with it. Do you hear that Cubs, Yankees, Red Sox, UCLA, USC, Notre Dame, and Marlins?

Q: What do you think of the hit NBC show, "Chuck?" Starring Zachary Levi as the endearingly nerdy eponymous lead?

--Zachary Levi, Los Feliz, California

A: I love it, Zach. Love it. For some reason it makes me really enjoy seeing Los Angeles, and also I am a big fan of the characters and the overall tone of the show. Spy "stuff" has always interested me, and the show mixes humor, action, and emotion quite well. Keep up the good work. 

Q: Ian, is it just me or does John Travolta look startlingly good in "Hairspray?" 

--David Bergstedt, Carlsbad, California

A: Yup, these are my readers...

I know this has been painfully short for a mail bag, but duty calls. Keep sending in those e-mails and I'll get to more of them next time.